Hannah Montana and the Inner Prude

Sometimes, just as The Tuesday Prude is about to go to publication, we need to hold the presses.
Today, Heavy Artillery Tuesday, we were prepared to introduce the most aggressive weapon in the Prude Means of Offense.
The Finger Point.
A disturbing new story, however, needs to be told, and only The Tuesday Prude has it.

During our extensive web-based research on ‘The Finger Point’, we noticed repeated references to Miley Cyrus and a pointing finger. For those of you unfamiliar with Miss Cyrus, she was, as Hannah Montana, the 21st century version of Shirley Temple. A sweet, innocent bundle of singing and dancing and acting. Was it possible, we wondered, hoping against hope, that the grown up Miss Cyrus has embraced her prudish beginnings and taken up her Finger Point?

Well. No.

We followed the internet trail to a video of Miss Cyrus performing at a music awards show. Within seconds our alarm bells began a’jingling. Perky little Hannah Montana was nowhere in sight. Of course, even Shirley Temple grew up into more mature roles (remember ‘The Bachelor and the Bobby Soxer’?) We noted that, while still a very pretty young lady, the former child actress is applying her makeup with a heavy hand these days. Her hairdo included two tight pigtails atop her head and she was dressed in a one-piece swimsuit, which, while not customary award show attire, nonetheless appeared modest by current standards.

And here is our breaking news:
Although not confirmed by major media, we have cause to believe that before she went onstage, poor Miley came in contact with an infectious agent. Any alert viewer could pick up the signs. By the time she entered, greeted by a bevy of bloated bears, her tongue had begun to swell. Poor child. It rolled from her mouth on a regular basis.
The next symptom-increased irritability, manifested itself when she applied old-fashioned corporal punishment to several of the dancing bears.

The infection spread quickly. She broke out into a sweat and (people often act out of the norm when in the grip of fever) stripped down to her skivvies. She jolted about the stage. She writhed in agony, trying to scratch wherever she itched. And that child itched EVERYWHERE.  As she lost control of motor skills, she flopped forward from the waist. When a male candy striper came to help, the former Miss Montana, overcome by hives, used him as a scratching post.

At some point in her flailing she located a giant hand and The Tuesday Prude realized, to our disappointment, that it wasn’t the Pointing Finger of Correction.
This resembles more of the ‘We’re #1’ sort of digit brought to sporting events but instead of putting it to cheerleading use, she tried to relieve the all-pervasive prickly heat.

No, Miley Cyrus hasn’t mastered the prudish Finger Point and she may not yet have embraced her inner prude. But hope springs eternal.
Next week we resume our regularly scheduled posting to give you instructions and pointers on how and when to safely wield the Finger Point.

Until then, we wonder if any of you would like to chip in on a get-well bouquet to the young lady?

17 thoughts on “Hannah Montana and the Inner Prude

  1. I knew from your headline that this was gonna be a winner – and you did not disappoint! How very said that this young woman feels so much need to draw attention to herself that she resorts to this means.

  2. I’ve made the prude-ish decision (thanks to your previous Tuesday Prude counsel) to avert my eyes and not watch clips of the performance. A few years down the road when the lovely young woman is older and wiser, I like to think she’ll regret it and long for an opportunity for a do-over. The tough thing about television is that the clips last longer than we do.

  3. Thank you, Tuesday Prude, for giving me a giggle fit to start my day. I was so tired of all of the headlines yesterday, and this is a welcome take on the matter! (I must confess, I had to look up twerking, and after watching an instructional video, I now know how to perform such a move if I should ever contract the same malady poor Miley suffers from.) Great post!

  4. You made it intelligent and funny, but it’s still heartbreaking — With her parents having shown some signs of having some level of Christian faith over the years, she is a child gone so far astray. Please Lord, have mercy on this child.

  5. I must say, I have read so many articles, blogs, posts, etc. on the performance of the VMAs, but I have enjoyed none as much as I have yours. Yes, it’s a sad, sad subject. It was so terrible that I actually was embarrassed for the child. Child? you say, yes child. She obviously has not had any instruction on maturity. I will not judge her other than to say, I hope when she is older that I hope this is one of those moments she regrets. I will pray for her. I do wonder if she realizes she is leading a lot of young girls and boys down a destructive path. Thank you for making me smile this morning.
    Blessings
    Katrina

  6. Hola! I’ve been following your website for some time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout
    out from Houston Texas! Just wanted to say keep up the good work!

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