The Tuesday Prude has spent the last several weeks on various military maneuvers and left you to fight your own prudish battles. You could either cower behind your Squirm shield, or brandish a few small-scale weapons. That is all we’ve provided you with to date, and there is only so much damage a ‘tsk’ can inflict.
It’s a war out there folks. We can’t put this off any longer.
Prudes from all over the world need to unite under the banner of propriety. We must contend with objectionable language, messy morals and churlish misbehavior.
A stern look just won’t cut it.
The offensive weapons we introduce over the course of the next few weeks are not for the faint of heart. One needs training and a healthy sense of respect for their power.
These big guns are not finesse items. They don’t have the subtlety of a defensive blush, the elegance of the ‘tsk’.
The first item in our heavy artillery is especially dangerous. Discharge it without proper caution and it could backfire on you.
Have you ever heard of the medieval blunt instrument called a ‘flail’? Picture a Styrofoam ball, maybe softball size, covered with chopsticks, chained to a child-size cricket bat.
The flail was wielded by gripping the cricket bat and swinging the chopstick embedded ball at your opponent. Oh, did we mention the entire contraption is made of solid iron?
The obvious danger comes if you miss your adversary and the flail whacks you in the face.
The Finger Wag (aka Finger Point) is the prudes’ equivalent of the flail.
Like the flail, it loses potency when the offending party isn’t within arm’s length.
It can stop a skirmish in its tracks when used correctly, but could come back to bite you.
Usually the Wag is pulled out when the Look and repeated ‘Do you really want to…?” have failed.
Your teenager lost his/her license.
You’d previously brandished only small weapons. You’ve reminded him/her that posted speed limits are not merely suggestions. To no avail.
Now your trigger finger is getting itchy.
You wag it in front of your licenseless offspring’s nose.
The child knows he/she is in for it. That potent pointer finger carries the weight of not only disapproval, but CONSEQUENCES.
What about the aforementioned danger to the one flourishing it?
Remember. Three fingers are wagging back at you.
That’s right. If your son/daughter knows you sweet-talked your way out of a speeding ticket last month, your Finger Wag could miss the youngster and wallop you.
You don’t need to be perfect to point out the errors of others and impose necessary sanctions. The danger comes when you wag a finger at others while living hypocritically.
This is irresponsible use of dangerous artillery.
A final note of caution.
Although any prude is licensed to use the Finger Wag, there are restrictions on whom it can be employed.
It is not a good idea to point at
-your parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents
You are pretty much limited to your progeny, your students, impish children on the playground, and bullies. In dire circumstances however, you may employ it on anyone in the forbidden categories partaking of behavior that will damage another human or defenseless animal.
This prude version of a flail functions to:
-stop bad behavior in its tracks
-prevent dangerous future hostilities.
It has great power, fellow prudes.
Use it wisely.
I now consider myself properly educated on the Finger Wag. Too bad my kids are all grown…there’s no one here right now to practice on while it’s fresh on my mind.
I do wish you (and all your prudish followers) a lifetime free of “flail whacks…in the face!” What a clever line that was, T.P. -Lori
Quick! Launch a counter-attack on the weapons of crass destruction!
I especially love the description of the flail and the face. I loved this post!