Tag Archives: Prude

Prude Stew

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Not Prude Stew. For illustrative purposes only.

The past few weeks we’ve spent browsing the Prude Munitions Vault.
You’ve learned to identify your means of defense and your ‘concealed carry’ weapons. All we have left are the Weapons of Mass Prudery.

Please bear in mind that with great prudishness comes great responsibility.
So before we move to reveal the Big Guns, the prude’s version of a nuclear submarine,
we need to establish ground rules. To brandish armaments at the highest level
of prude warfare requires not only training, but understanding the underlying code of honor.

Today, let’s raid the Chivalric Code icebox to make our own Prude Stew.
Please bear in mind that these are actual virtues as listed by an actual Chivalric Knight.
(We here at the Tuesday Prude don’t want you to think we just pull this stuff out of our hat.) You may also note the shocking mix of metaphors in this post but if one figure of speech is good, two can’t help but be better.

PRUDE STEW

Faith, Charity and Justice comprise the broth in which all the other prudish virtues
simmer. Readily available in the distant past, today you may have to hunt for them. WARNING: Don’t be tempted to eliminate any one virtue just because they are rare. Keep looking—Prude Stew is worthless without each one.
Sagacity we wanted— for obvious root-wordish sort of reasons— to be the sage flavoring. But since sagacity is a cool word for good judgment and prudes are all about discernment, let’s call it the potatoes. Not glamorous, but filling. Just be cautious about letting sagacity sit unused in a dark corner for too long. It will sprout useless eyes and start to stink.

This is a 3-meat stew, chock full of the goodness that sets it apart from Hollywood Bisque, Wall Street Chowder, Washington Pottage or Fashion Week Soup.
Our special proteins are found in Prudence, Temperance and Resolution. Each meaty virtue is guaranteed to build strength of character. Prudence, though it tends to be tough and chewy, develops a healthy sense of caution. Temperance might taste bland, but is inexpensive and ensures a well-balanced system of moderation. We don’t need to add much flavorful Resolution. It’s pricier than all the other ingredients and a little goes a long way.

Don’t forget to salt your stew with just the right amount of Truth. Too little and the virtues seem insipid, too much truth just for the sake of truth overpowers everything else. Toss in some colorful carrots of Hope, Diligent celery (you can never have too much) and season with the Liberality of your choice.

Stir it up with Valor and viola!
Prude Stew!
Nourish yourselves on it this week, so when you return next Tuesday you’ll have the strength to dash back to the weapon analogy and flourish your heavy ammunition with skill and flair.

A Prude in Shining Armor

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Soon, very soon, The Tuesday Prude will dive in and outline the behaviors and attitudes guaranteed to draw a prude’s ire.
Before we draw the battle lines and wade into the fray, let’s take a gander at the Prude Armory with its stockpile of weapons.
As we look around, take a moment to consider your status as Friend or Foe of Prudes.
Already live in the Kingdom of the Prudes? Take inventory and make sure your weapons cache is complete.
Maybe you are prude-neutral, sort of like Switzerland. Here is a chance to see what we have to offer.
Or do you consider prudes a scourge and a menace? You either arrived at the Tuesday Prude by accident OR it’s time you learned the power of the prude. You may just wave a (freshly pressed) white flag  and join us as we gallop forth to conquer a naughty world.

The well-armed prude never heads off to crusade without first assembling the Defensive Weapons.
A prude needs protection. We are only human. When the slings and arrows of outrageous indecency let loose, we can be in the line of fire.
Our most basic means of defense is the Blush.
Think of it as our chain mail.
Employed when physical separation from a situation would be deemed rude or disruptive.
Often donned at work parties when the boss gets ‘happy’ or family gatherings (ie. Thanksgiving dinner) when the talk turns saltier than the Green Bean Casserole.

Other situations require greater protection.
Meet the Squirm. The Squirm functions as our shield. A prude on the defense pulls out the Squirm in situations beyond the scope of a simple Blush. Imagine, say, a prude at the movie theater awaiting a PG rated ‘family’ movie. Suddenly the screen is blazoned with a decidedly non-PG-rated scene. Our prude, seated dead center in the row with dozens of human knees, quarts of spilled soda and  thousands of popcorn bits blocking access to the aisle, has no where to run. Trapped, the prude engages the Squirm. What does the Squirm accomplish? It makes her harder to hit.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Let say all a prude’s worst nightmares have been invited to a party. Surrounded by low-hanging pants on males, Heimlich Maneuver-tight tops on females, crude language coupled with poor grammar, rude interchanges, raucous music, and public displays of affection most prudes wouldn’t even consider employing in private, what is the prudent prude to do? Back Away and Leave. That’s right. We get on our trusty high horse, lower our visor and gallop off to our happy place.

Don’t think our prude, cowering in front of ‘Andy Griffith’ reruns, has been beaten. Those defensive weapons merely provide a chance to regain strength. Before long the doughty Prude is back in the Armory gathering Weapons of Offense.
Come back next week as we learn how to wield Prude Munitions.

To slow, tap gently on the prude

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Last week you met the Tuesday Prude*. This week let’s explore the crucial role prudes have played in the history of humankind** and how the Tuesday Prude hopes to enhance that function.
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Since the dawn of civilization, ‘civilized’ societies have consistently chosen to veer from the straight-and-narrow and instead careen down a greasy highway of deteriorating manners, behavior, dress and…civility. The careening is usually accompanied by flashy externals, raucous grinding, cheap interiors and annoying noises.The only reason every society hasn’t hurtled off the cliff into utter chaos is because somebody remembered to Apply the Prude.

Oh, you thought prudes were just killjoys sprinkled throughout the centuries to wag fingers, frown fiercely and censure conduct? Well, that too, but only because societies refused to use us in the manner for which we were intended: Civilization’s emergency brake.

A well-maintained prude system is needed to stand between human beings and their predilection for heading to Hades in a handbasket. Prudes understand that peoplekind don’t see how jettisoning morals, ethics, courtesy and semicolons will lead to a massive smash-up. Until it is almost too late. At that point they slam on the prudes and the result might be something like the Puritans, the Victorians, Prohibition or the Eisenhower Era, all with much to commend them but also known for their own forms of excess.

And therein lies the rub. As with any braking device, depressing underused prudes with too much force makes bad things happen.  Instead of merely slowing down, civilization may come to a grinding halt, as all the stuff from the back seat comes flying to the front.

Stomp on the worn out prude system and it will squeal. Instead of common sense morals, ethical standards and civility, the result can be censorious superiority and hypercritical hypocrisy.

Society doesn’t understand that at the heart of true prudishness is honor. Honor leads to desire for justice, and freedom and decency. Some of the most well adjusted prudes fought slavery, struggled for independence, demanded equality.

Check your prudes regularly, society, and don’t neglect them. Apply them before you lose control. And come back next week to learn why, if you don’t let us repair you, we’ll just honk louder.

*The Tuesday Prude, while primarily the work of one prude, is more a sort of virtual safe house where prudes can gather, be educated, encouraged, and never worry about ‘adult’ content.

** Disclaimer: what we refer to as ‘history of humankind’ at the Tuesday Prude generally means ‘history of America’ because our knowledge of any other history is abysmal

Welcome to The Tuesday Prude

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Welcome to the inaugural post of The Tuesday Prude!

One can’t get away with a statement like ‘Welcome to the inaugural post etc etc’ without raising questions from the intelligent reader.

Questions such as:

Q: Why ‘Tuesday’?

A: It sort of rhymes with ‘Prude’. T-ooo-s-day Pr-ooo-de. Hear it? This sort of subtle internal rhyme is called assonance. Many a prude, afflicted with no end of discomfort by the first syllable of ‘assonance’, prefers to call it ‘subtle internal rhyme’.

Q: Just Tuesday?

A: Yes. Prudishness is a dish best served in small doses.

 Q: Why ‘Prude’? Didn’t prudes, an endangered species since the 1960’s, become extinct about the time MTV aired Madonna videos?

A: Not quite extinct. Prudes exist! The Tuesday Prude is a clarion call for each one to come out of hiding. Prudes no longer need feign indifference or even approval of amoral entertainment, repulsive language, droopy drawers and misplaced adverbs. Embrace your identity, fellow prudes. The naughty world needs prudes now more than ever. We shall be heard.

 Q: How will I know if I hear a Prude’s voice?

A: The true prude will not screech, use obscenities, or whack you with a parcel to get your attention. The true prude will, however, not quit till your attention has been gained. Prudes call this persistence. Prude naysayers call it nagging.

Q: Don’t Prudes tend to be long-winded?

A: Yes. Many words are necessary to promote modesty, virtue, dignity and proper syntax. The Tuesday Prude promises to dole out those words sparingly, over the course of many many weeks.

 Q: Doesn’t ‘Prude’ come from the Old French word prude, meaning ‘honorable woman’?

A: This is so. The prude of today must be encouraged to stand (with good posture) in that noble tradition. Let us be proud that we honor order, approve of courtesy, and admire propriety.

We believe it honorable to appreciate moderation in food and drink and even more moderation in displays of affection, decibel levels of music, areas of exposed flesh and references to reproductive acts. Come with me into the morass of mischief we call the 21st century. Let’s make moderation the Next Big Thing.

Q: Can I be a prude too?

A: Please do! The Tuesday Prude is your safe place. Here fellow and potential prudes can unite, be nurtured, and go forth, shoulder to shoulder, to make the world a kinder, cleaner, and more principled place.

Q: Is there more we should know?

A: Yes. Next week, we’ll explore how the Old French Honorable Woman has metamorphosed into The Tuesday Prude.

Pre-Prude Post

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For weeks now I have been twittering (which pre-dates tweeting by several centuries) about how to use my new site here at WordPress. In a previous, simpler blogging life (The Prude Disapproves) the language was simpler, the options fewer and I learned to manage my blog in a matter of days. That was 2010. The Stone Ages.

2013: The Millennium Falcon tripped into lightspeed and dumped me in an era whose language includes words and phrases comprehended by everyone except me.  My infant grandsons are even now adding crucial words like ‘domain’ and ‘widget’ and ‘akismet’ to the vocabulary bank in their brains––a bank that in previous years considered ‘mommy’ ‘daddy’ ‘more’ and ‘yukkies’ sufficient funds for early communication.

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The blogging road beckons, and I must follow. Please, if you come with me, understand that I will be falling into potholes, stumbling over boulders and going flat from running over sharp objects on the shoulder. Lord willing, in the very near future, The Prude will be chugging into a Tuesday near you.