Author Archives: The Tuesday Prude

Unknown's avatar

About The Tuesday Prude

I always told my husband I fell in love with him before I know his last name. Good thing, too. I'm beginning to enjoy my unusual and sturdy married name. Klumpers are almost as rare as prudes. However, in an effort to make it a more common household name I bore 3 sons, all Klumpers, and a recent Klumpers grandson has been added to the lists. In an effort to make prudishness a more common household virtue, I have created this blog.

Passive-Aggressive Prudes: Let’s not get Physical

Posted on by
6

DSC01357

Before we get into the finer points of how to brandish the prude version of a battering ram, let’s take a little side street to visit some personal Tuesday Prude history. We’ll pull back the curtain of personal and familial past and discover why we here have chosen not to engage in fisticuffs to defend and promote our belief system.

When offspring of the Tuesday Prude were small, and driven to various manifestations of their original sin,  the first disciplinary inclination would be to patch their pookets.
According to the Prude Lexicon:
Patchin’ (verb): Application of corporal punishment to a fleshy area of a youngster’s backside.
“If you run into the street again you will get a patchin’ on your pooket.”
Pooket (noun): The well-padded backside of a child. The part of the anatomy required for sitting.
“Of course your pooket hurts. You jumped off the swing and landed on it.”

Although not opposed to corporal punishment, we here at The Tuesday Prude tired of nursing  stinging hands after each patchin’ whilst Prudlings  chuckled and announced that their rock-like pookets hadn’t even FELT the patchin.

A little further back in history reveals where we began to develop our passive-aggressive battering ram.  One particular mother of one particular Prude was an advocate of patchins.  This Prude’s father infinitely preferred The Lecture. (sneak preview-The Lecture IS a prude’s most potent weapon). Perhaps he, also, was a victim of delicate palms.  This particular Prude was only in the embryonic stage of prudish development, and often exhibited infestations of original sin. Her father would sit her down, look her in the eye, and explain in five-to-ten thousand words why that particular sin was wrong. He would add details regarding to whom the wrong was done and their consequent sadness, the sadness of the young Prude’s parents, pastor and the Lord, and why continuation in this sin would only lead to bigger, deeper, stronger, and more serious lectures.

This Prude’s mother, unable to take any more, would exclaim in exasperation: ‘Give her a patchin’ for Pete’s sake and get it over with!”  The Prude heartily concurred.  But her father, determined not to skimp on discipline, and preferring passive-aggressive to physical, would bring the lecture to its full development, complete with a summary paragraph and restatement of his thesis.

The Tuesday Prude has been impressed by the Power of the Lecture. We are only beginning to learn how potent, how life-changing, and how naughtiness-overcoming it can be when wielded correctly.
Please, we beg you, if you haven’t been trained in the use of this weapon, don’t go ramming it willy-nilly! The chance for irreparable harm is great.
Come back next week please. You’ll enter a novice and leave a proud, card-carrying Lecturer.

WEAPONS OF CRASS DESTRUCTION

Posted on by
3

The Tuesday Prude has spent the last several weeks on various military maneuvers and left you to fight your own prudish battles. You could either cower behind your Squirm shield, or brandish a few small-scale weapons. That is all we’ve provided you with to date, and there is only so much damage a ‘tsk’ can inflict.

It’s a war out there folks. We can’t put this off any longer.
Prudes from all over the world need to unite under the banner of propriety. We must contend with objectionable language, messy morals and churlish misbehavior.
A stern look just won’t cut it.

The offensive weapons we introduce over the course of the next few weeks are not for the faint of heart. One needs training and a healthy sense of respect for their power.

These big guns are not finesse items. They don’t have the subtlety of a defensive blush, the elegance of the ‘tsk’.
The first item in our heavy artillery is especially dangerous. Discharge it without proper caution and it could backfire on you.

Have you ever heard of the medieval blunt instrument called a ‘flail’? Picture a Styrofoam ball, maybe softball size, covered with chopsticks, chained to a child-size cricket bat.
The flail was wielded by gripping the cricket bat and swinging the chopstick embedded  ball at your opponent. Oh, did we mention the entire contraption is made of solid iron?

The obvious danger comes if you miss your adversary and the flail whacks you in the face.

The Finger Wag  (aka Finger Point) is the prudes’ equivalent of the flail.

Like the flail, it loses potency when the offending party isn’t within arm’s length.
It can stop a skirmish in its tracks when used correctly, but could come back to bite you.

Usually the Wag is pulled out when the Look and repeated ‘Do you really want to…?” have failed.
Your teenager lost his/her license.
You’d previously brandished only small weapons. You’ve reminded him/her that posted speed limits are not merely suggestions. To no avail.
Now your trigger finger is getting itchy.
You wag it in front of your licenseless offspring’s nose.
The child knows he/she is in for it. That potent pointer finger carries the weight of not only disapproval, but CONSEQUENCES.

What about the aforementioned danger to the one flourishing it?
Remember. Three fingers are wagging back at you.

That’s right. If your son/daughter knows you sweet-talked your way out of a speeding ticket last month, your Finger Wag could miss the youngster and wallop you.

You don’t need to be perfect to point out the errors of others and impose necessary sanctions. The danger comes when you wag a finger at others while living hypocritically.
This is irresponsible use of dangerous artillery.

A final note of caution.
Although any prude is licensed to use the Finger Wag, there are restrictions on whom it can be employed.
It is not a good idea to point at
-your parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents
-your clergyman
-your spouse
-law enforcement

You are pretty much limited to your progeny, your students, impish children on the playground, and bullies. In dire circumstances however, you may employ it on anyone in the forbidden categories  partaking of behavior that will damage another human or defenseless animal.

This prude version of a flail functions to:
-stop bad behavior in its tracks
-prevent dangerous future hostilities.

It has great power, fellow prudes.
Use it wisely.

All we are saying, (la la) is give civility a chance

Posted on by
2

The Tuesday Prude has a daydream.
A dream in which thousands of people from all walks of life, sporting skin tones from freckly pink to glorious midnight, join for the next big March on Washington.
We won’t come together because we agree on everything. As a matter of fact, we agree on very little.
The Tuesday Prude brings a bevy of priggish types who propound the glories of modesty and genteel understatement, (body parts consist of ‘chestal regions’ and ‘hindquarters’, babies come about via procreation, couples in the throes of warm emotions engage in smooching). Our mission also promotes good manners and proper semi-colon use.
We meet up with the ‘America Gets Nekkid’ folks, who arrive clad only in sturdy walking shoes and an admirable sets of goosebumps.

The ‘Call a Spade a Spade ’ Society are in D.C. too. They organized several years ago to convince the world how archaic and unnecessary euphemisms have become.
Grammar Anarchists trickle in. Known best by their slogan ‘For all intensive purposes; we could care less’ they champion for, among other linguistic improprieties, a participle’s right to dangle.
More assemblages join us, like a small, unnamed but vocal group who hold etiquette responsible for the world’s inequities.

What, in The Tuesday Prude’s dream could bind such a disparate group?  What do we have in common?

A desire for civility.

So we come together, holding firmly to individual convictions, but demonstrating jointly for a fundamental cause.
This is the Civility Rights March.

The Tuesday Prude’s pipe dream continues. Maybe, before even arriving at our nation’s capital, everyone who thinks civility has for too long been trampled agrees to the following:

CIVILITY STATEMENT OF RIGHTS
1) We will not mock, scorn, or call those with opposing viewpoints nasty names.
2) Interruptions, speaking out of turn and out-shouting others is not tolerated. We all have a chance to express opinions, but only while holding the Stick of Civility.
3) We do not make our opponent appear foolish, or take remarks out of context.
4) Under no circumstances, no matter how major our differences, do we  engage in fisticuffs.
5) We vow to use the proper facilities for dealing with bodily functions, leave said facilities looking better than when we came in, and inform management if facilities require attention.
6) We will not litter.
7) We promise to guard the above rights of civility via the use of civility against any and all who might come and try to undermine the rights of civility.

This is our daydream. Someday, demonstrators will come together to actually demonstrate what civility looks like…
Perhaps we overhear a Grammar Anarchist say: “Ain’t nobody going to tell me apostrophes aren’t for plural nouns.” Instead of mocking the extensive overuse of negatives (“So someone IS going to tell you how to use apostrophes?”) we tell them we enjoy their use of the vernacular ‘ain’t’ and any time the language subversive wants to discuss punctuation more fully we are ready and willing. They thank us and admit to occasional appreciation of subject/verb agreement.

Maybe a member of the ‘Call a Spade a Spade’ Society hears a male prude (they do exist) announce, “‘In the future I want to see a woman’s chestal region treated with the same dignity accorded to the hand that shakes the Queen’s: it will be fully covered.”
The pro-CASAS resists, in the interests of civility, taking his statement out of context to make him appear foolish or hypocritical.  (“I want to see a woman’s chestal region.”)

The most rabid of full-body coverage zealots realizes that even anti-clothing extremists get cold. While looking the au natural directly in the eye (and only in the eye) the super-modest type won’t say, “Serves you right.” Instead she offers a blanket for the birthday-suit clad nonconformist to ward off the chill. (“No, I don’t need it back when the temps warm up. Really, you keep it.”)  The personage in the all-together, recognizing the prudish-types’ sensibilities, willingly covers public seating areas with newspapers or napkins before settling down.

And even though the throw-off-the-yoke-of-etiquette people believe salad greens stuck in the teeth or dangling dried nasal secretions are symbols of liberation, they know they haven’t won over the entire world to their perspective. Therefore, upon seeing a dab of marinara sauce on the chin of a dainty etiquette-lover, our napkin-hater refrains from outward rejoicing and tactfully points it out.

Cleanliness, while not akin to godliness, certainly lifts the spirits. We all dash about emptying trash cans and making sure every facility has toilet paper and running water.

Protests seldom go well. The 60’s antiwar demonstrations always drew a crowd who defended America’s policies. Bitter recriminations erupted from both camps. Those who picket abortion clinics in turn are picketed by their polar opposites and the Occupy Anything people are met by vocally indignant Go Home Now and Get a Job groups.
They all employ their constitutional right to protest. Sadly, many assume this means they also have the right to scream and belittle and deface what isn’t theirs.

But at our Civility Rights March, any misguided prudes who come planning to humiliate our opposition will find themselves politely shushed. We won’t tolerate name calling, finger pointing, or twisted words.
Disagree with us, or disagree with those we disagree with.
Do so in an uncivil manner and we will inform you how we plan to defend the rights of civility.  And then we will courteously point out the little piece of spinach in your teeth.

Hannah Montana and the Inner Prude

Posted on by
17

Sometimes, just as The Tuesday Prude is about to go to publication, we need to hold the presses.
Today, Heavy Artillery Tuesday, we were prepared to introduce the most aggressive weapon in the Prude Means of Offense.
The Finger Point.
A disturbing new story, however, needs to be told, and only The Tuesday Prude has it.

During our extensive web-based research on ‘The Finger Point’, we noticed repeated references to Miley Cyrus and a pointing finger. For those of you unfamiliar with Miss Cyrus, she was, as Hannah Montana, the 21st century version of Shirley Temple. A sweet, innocent bundle of singing and dancing and acting. Was it possible, we wondered, hoping against hope, that the grown up Miss Cyrus has embraced her prudish beginnings and taken up her Finger Point?

Well. No.

We followed the internet trail to a video of Miss Cyrus performing at a music awards show. Within seconds our alarm bells began a’jingling. Perky little Hannah Montana was nowhere in sight. Of course, even Shirley Temple grew up into more mature roles (remember ‘The Bachelor and the Bobby Soxer’?) We noted that, while still a very pretty young lady, the former child actress is applying her makeup with a heavy hand these days. Her hairdo included two tight pigtails atop her head and she was dressed in a one-piece swimsuit, which, while not customary award show attire, nonetheless appeared modest by current standards.

And here is our breaking news:
Although not confirmed by major media, we have cause to believe that before she went onstage, poor Miley came in contact with an infectious agent. Any alert viewer could pick up the signs. By the time she entered, greeted by a bevy of bloated bears, her tongue had begun to swell. Poor child. It rolled from her mouth on a regular basis.
The next symptom-increased irritability, manifested itself when she applied old-fashioned corporal punishment to several of the dancing bears.

The infection spread quickly. She broke out into a sweat and (people often act out of the norm when in the grip of fever) stripped down to her skivvies. She jolted about the stage. She writhed in agony, trying to scratch wherever she itched. And that child itched EVERYWHERE.  As she lost control of motor skills, she flopped forward from the waist. When a male candy striper came to help, the former Miss Montana, overcome by hives, used him as a scratching post.

At some point in her flailing she located a giant hand and The Tuesday Prude realized, to our disappointment, that it wasn’t the Pointing Finger of Correction.
This resembles more of the ‘We’re #1’ sort of digit brought to sporting events but instead of putting it to cheerleading use, she tried to relieve the all-pervasive prickly heat.

No, Miley Cyrus hasn’t mastered the prudish Finger Point and she may not yet have embraced her inner prude. But hope springs eternal.
Next week we resume our regularly scheduled posting to give you instructions and pointers on how and when to safely wield the Finger Point.

Until then, we wonder if any of you would like to chip in on a get-well bouquet to the young lady?

Prude Stew

Posted on by
3
DSC03360

Not Prude Stew. For illustrative purposes only.

The past few weeks we’ve spent browsing the Prude Munitions Vault.
You’ve learned to identify your means of defense and your ‘concealed carry’ weapons. All we have left are the Weapons of Mass Prudery.

Please bear in mind that with great prudishness comes great responsibility.
So before we move to reveal the Big Guns, the prude’s version of a nuclear submarine,
we need to establish ground rules. To brandish armaments at the highest level
of prude warfare requires not only training, but understanding the underlying code of honor.

Today, let’s raid the Chivalric Code icebox to make our own Prude Stew.
Please bear in mind that these are actual virtues as listed by an actual Chivalric Knight.
(We here at the Tuesday Prude don’t want you to think we just pull this stuff out of our hat.) You may also note the shocking mix of metaphors in this post but if one figure of speech is good, two can’t help but be better.

PRUDE STEW

Faith, Charity and Justice comprise the broth in which all the other prudish virtues
simmer. Readily available in the distant past, today you may have to hunt for them. WARNING: Don’t be tempted to eliminate any one virtue just because they are rare. Keep looking—Prude Stew is worthless without each one.
Sagacity we wanted— for obvious root-wordish sort of reasons— to be the sage flavoring. But since sagacity is a cool word for good judgment and prudes are all about discernment, let’s call it the potatoes. Not glamorous, but filling. Just be cautious about letting sagacity sit unused in a dark corner for too long. It will sprout useless eyes and start to stink.

This is a 3-meat stew, chock full of the goodness that sets it apart from Hollywood Bisque, Wall Street Chowder, Washington Pottage or Fashion Week Soup.
Our special proteins are found in Prudence, Temperance and Resolution. Each meaty virtue is guaranteed to build strength of character. Prudence, though it tends to be tough and chewy, develops a healthy sense of caution. Temperance might taste bland, but is inexpensive and ensures a well-balanced system of moderation. We don’t need to add much flavorful Resolution. It’s pricier than all the other ingredients and a little goes a long way.

Don’t forget to salt your stew with just the right amount of Truth. Too little and the virtues seem insipid, too much truth just for the sake of truth overpowers everything else. Toss in some colorful carrots of Hope, Diligent celery (you can never have too much) and season with the Liberality of your choice.

Stir it up with Valor and viola!
Prude Stew!
Nourish yourselves on it this week, so when you return next Tuesday you’ll have the strength to dash back to the weapon analogy and flourish your heavy ammunition with skill and flair.

Arms and the Prude

Posted on by
3

SONY DSC
Last week The Tuesday Prude provided a brief overview of means of defense.
Please don’t, however, assume Prudes are people of little backbone.
We don’t always turn tail and run.
As people of honor we fight in the face of ridicule, marginalization and overwhelming odds.

Periodically over the coming weeks we’ll teach you how to use these weapons and in which situations (ie. don’t use ellipsis tape when an m-dash staple is required)

But before you know how to use these offensive slings and arrows you better know what they are.

We’ll begin with our concealed carry weapons and move on up to the heavy artillery.

-The smallest, most easily brandished weapon is The Look.The Look varies from prude to prude, but usually involves lowered eyebrows and lipstitching. To achieve the lipstitch, imagine (painlessly) sewing your upper to your lower lip with an easy running stitch. Now tug the thread gently. Not so hard as to pucker, just enough to fire a warning glance of disapproval. Brandish The Look when your husband hauls out that slightly off-color story, when your son ‘loses’ the belt that prevents his pants from collapse, when your daughter attempts to convert texting shorthand into verbal communication (OMG, M! RUK?)*
Often The Look is enough to stop enemy behavior before it becomes belligerent. It is usually limited in effectiveness to those who know you best. Strangers may interpret The Look as a reaction to a bad bite of sushi.

-For those times when The Look is insufficient to convey disapproval, but the FInger Point would create chaos, pull out the ‘tsk’.
Again, the ‘tsk’ has various manifestations. Some prudes use a throat clear. Some engage their ‘small cough’ which doesn’t reach far enough outside the oral cavity to emit any germs. (True Prudes never engage in germ warfare). And of course, the ‘tcht’. Made when one’s tongue suctions itself for a split second to the roof of the mouth before pulling free, it is perennially popular with prudes. The tsk/tcht is a multi-purpose tool. It expresses mild verbal disapproval while releasing pressure on the prude’s itchy reprimand finger. We prudes keep our tsk/tcht handy because danger lurks everywhere.
Prudent prudes realize that flourishing the Finger Point or the Lecture at a rabid baseball fan venting rage via a vulgar assortment of adjectives could unleash the dogs of war. Prudes prefer positioning themselves on the high ground during battle. The ‘tsk’ prevents them from participating in the fray.

-Our final small firearm is the gentle ’Do you really want to (do that, wear that, put the dessert fork on that side of the plate)?” You can see how we have moved up from the smallest silent-but-deadly Look to a complete-with-subject-and-predicate sentence.
Use on those most familiar with power of “Do you really want to…” Try this weapon on teenagers engaged in a passionate public display of affection in the middle of the produce aisle and the ammunition will bounce harmlessly away and land on the artichokes.

We have one more room to visit in our munitions storage. Hold onto your helmets, fellow prudes. Next week we unlock the iron door guarding the Big Guns. Till then, please use your small arms responsibly.

* ‘Oh my goodness** Mom! Are you kidding?’

** Even in texting acronyms your daughter knows better than to take the Lord’s name in vain

A Prude in Shining Armor

Posted on by
6

DSC02797

Soon, very soon, The Tuesday Prude will dive in and outline the behaviors and attitudes guaranteed to draw a prude’s ire.
Before we draw the battle lines and wade into the fray, let’s take a gander at the Prude Armory with its stockpile of weapons.
As we look around, take a moment to consider your status as Friend or Foe of Prudes.
Already live in the Kingdom of the Prudes? Take inventory and make sure your weapons cache is complete.
Maybe you are prude-neutral, sort of like Switzerland. Here is a chance to see what we have to offer.
Or do you consider prudes a scourge and a menace? You either arrived at the Tuesday Prude by accident OR it’s time you learned the power of the prude. You may just wave a (freshly pressed) white flag  and join us as we gallop forth to conquer a naughty world.

The well-armed prude never heads off to crusade without first assembling the Defensive Weapons.
A prude needs protection. We are only human. When the slings and arrows of outrageous indecency let loose, we can be in the line of fire.
Our most basic means of defense is the Blush.
Think of it as our chain mail.
Employed when physical separation from a situation would be deemed rude or disruptive.
Often donned at work parties when the boss gets ‘happy’ or family gatherings (ie. Thanksgiving dinner) when the talk turns saltier than the Green Bean Casserole.

Other situations require greater protection.
Meet the Squirm. The Squirm functions as our shield. A prude on the defense pulls out the Squirm in situations beyond the scope of a simple Blush. Imagine, say, a prude at the movie theater awaiting a PG rated ‘family’ movie. Suddenly the screen is blazoned with a decidedly non-PG-rated scene. Our prude, seated dead center in the row with dozens of human knees, quarts of spilled soda and  thousands of popcorn bits blocking access to the aisle, has no where to run. Trapped, the prude engages the Squirm. What does the Squirm accomplish? It makes her harder to hit.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Let say all a prude’s worst nightmares have been invited to a party. Surrounded by low-hanging pants on males, Heimlich Maneuver-tight tops on females, crude language coupled with poor grammar, rude interchanges, raucous music, and public displays of affection most prudes wouldn’t even consider employing in private, what is the prudent prude to do? Back Away and Leave. That’s right. We get on our trusty high horse, lower our visor and gallop off to our happy place.

Don’t think our prude, cowering in front of ‘Andy Griffith’ reruns, has been beaten. Those defensive weapons merely provide a chance to regain strength. Before long the doughty Prude is back in the Armory gathering Weapons of Offense.
Come back next week as we learn how to wield Prude Munitions.

Birthday Suit? Or Civil Suit?

Posted on by
5
Image

Prude-approved Birthday Suit

Here’s a prude pop quiz:

What does the Tuesday Prude consider civilization’s chief threat?
A. The creeping view of clothing as obsolete
B. Escalating use of really, really bad words
C. Decreasing moral standards for behavior
D. All of the above but with one prevailing concern.

Oh, that all quizzes were so obvious!  Of course the answer is
D.
You might ask: what could concern a prude more than the looming possibility of runway models wearing little more than a blingy belt between their pouts and their platform shoes?

While A,B and C, and of course the Birthday Suit trend in fashion all give prudes the shivers, we’re noticing a deeper, more fundamental crack in the bedrock of civilization.
Civility is disappearing.
Civility is becoming as rare, as difficult to find as prudes. So little civility to be found on television, in politics, religion, the workplace, the classroom, in families, among friends and amidst strangers.
So much incivility rushing to fill the void.

Sometimes incivility is disguised with wit or sarcasm, or excused because of strongly held beliefs and passions.
Boorish, discourteous behavior is almost expected in certain realms such as the editorial page and Washington DC, but now it has gurgled up, slobbered out, and mucked over everything else. Incivility is ubiquitous.

The Tuesday Prude would like to carve out a little section of the world that, at its core, is cordial.

Most prudes hold strongly to particular beliefs on religion, politics, education, society, language, nutrition and global stewardship. But this is not the venue to share them all.

We prefer not to mock, deride, satirize or condemn those whose views don’t match ours.
Not that we believe all opinions and ideas have equal validity.
Not because we don’t believe in absolutes.

But because this blog aspires to be one hundred percent courteous, one hundred percent of the time.

You don’t need to agree with everything the Tuesday Prude propounds. But we hope you share our desire for a more civil world.

NEXT WEEK: A PEEK AT A PRUDE’S ARSENAL

To slow, tap gently on the prude

Posted on by
7

Last week you met the Tuesday Prude*. This week let’s explore the crucial role prudes have played in the history of humankind** and how the Tuesday Prude hopes to enhance that function.
SONY DSC
Since the dawn of civilization, ‘civilized’ societies have consistently chosen to veer from the straight-and-narrow and instead careen down a greasy highway of deteriorating manners, behavior, dress and…civility. The careening is usually accompanied by flashy externals, raucous grinding, cheap interiors and annoying noises.The only reason every society hasn’t hurtled off the cliff into utter chaos is because somebody remembered to Apply the Prude.

Oh, you thought prudes were just killjoys sprinkled throughout the centuries to wag fingers, frown fiercely and censure conduct? Well, that too, but only because societies refused to use us in the manner for which we were intended: Civilization’s emergency brake.

A well-maintained prude system is needed to stand between human beings and their predilection for heading to Hades in a handbasket. Prudes understand that peoplekind don’t see how jettisoning morals, ethics, courtesy and semicolons will lead to a massive smash-up. Until it is almost too late. At that point they slam on the prudes and the result might be something like the Puritans, the Victorians, Prohibition or the Eisenhower Era, all with much to commend them but also known for their own forms of excess.

And therein lies the rub. As with any braking device, depressing underused prudes with too much force makes bad things happen.  Instead of merely slowing down, civilization may come to a grinding halt, as all the stuff from the back seat comes flying to the front.

Stomp on the worn out prude system and it will squeal. Instead of common sense morals, ethical standards and civility, the result can be censorious superiority and hypercritical hypocrisy.

Society doesn’t understand that at the heart of true prudishness is honor. Honor leads to desire for justice, and freedom and decency. Some of the most well adjusted prudes fought slavery, struggled for independence, demanded equality.

Check your prudes regularly, society, and don’t neglect them. Apply them before you lose control. And come back next week to learn why, if you don’t let us repair you, we’ll just honk louder.

*The Tuesday Prude, while primarily the work of one prude, is more a sort of virtual safe house where prudes can gather, be educated, encouraged, and never worry about ‘adult’ content.

** Disclaimer: what we refer to as ‘history of humankind’ at the Tuesday Prude generally means ‘history of America’ because our knowledge of any other history is abysmal

Welcome to The Tuesday Prude

Posted on by
23

Welcome to the inaugural post of The Tuesday Prude!

One can’t get away with a statement like ‘Welcome to the inaugural post etc etc’ without raising questions from the intelligent reader.

Questions such as:

Q: Why ‘Tuesday’?

A: It sort of rhymes with ‘Prude’. T-ooo-s-day Pr-ooo-de. Hear it? This sort of subtle internal rhyme is called assonance. Many a prude, afflicted with no end of discomfort by the first syllable of ‘assonance’, prefers to call it ‘subtle internal rhyme’.

Q: Just Tuesday?

A: Yes. Prudishness is a dish best served in small doses.

 Q: Why ‘Prude’? Didn’t prudes, an endangered species since the 1960’s, become extinct about the time MTV aired Madonna videos?

A: Not quite extinct. Prudes exist! The Tuesday Prude is a clarion call for each one to come out of hiding. Prudes no longer need feign indifference or even approval of amoral entertainment, repulsive language, droopy drawers and misplaced adverbs. Embrace your identity, fellow prudes. The naughty world needs prudes now more than ever. We shall be heard.

 Q: How will I know if I hear a Prude’s voice?

A: The true prude will not screech, use obscenities, or whack you with a parcel to get your attention. The true prude will, however, not quit till your attention has been gained. Prudes call this persistence. Prude naysayers call it nagging.

Q: Don’t Prudes tend to be long-winded?

A: Yes. Many words are necessary to promote modesty, virtue, dignity and proper syntax. The Tuesday Prude promises to dole out those words sparingly, over the course of many many weeks.

 Q: Doesn’t ‘Prude’ come from the Old French word prude, meaning ‘honorable woman’?

A: This is so. The prude of today must be encouraged to stand (with good posture) in that noble tradition. Let us be proud that we honor order, approve of courtesy, and admire propriety.

We believe it honorable to appreciate moderation in food and drink and even more moderation in displays of affection, decibel levels of music, areas of exposed flesh and references to reproductive acts. Come with me into the morass of mischief we call the 21st century. Let’s make moderation the Next Big Thing.

Q: Can I be a prude too?

A: Please do! The Tuesday Prude is your safe place. Here fellow and potential prudes can unite, be nurtured, and go forth, shoulder to shoulder, to make the world a kinder, cleaner, and more principled place.

Q: Is there more we should know?

A: Yes. Next week, we’ll explore how the Old French Honorable Woman has metamorphosed into The Tuesday Prude.